i think i learned a lot today.  i feel different and more than when I woke up this morning.  it’s trying really hard to be overwhelming and i’m trying really hard to not let it be.  or to let it be overwhelming in the way that makes me remember it, not in the way that makes me shut down.  these feel like important things to know, and this feels like the right place to be, even when it doesn’t.

sometimes there are places and people that you can’t reach from where you are no matter how much you want to and sometimes that’s the way it’s supposed to be, and i’m starting to be okay with that.

this morning during the sermon when our pastor was talking about not leaning on our own understandings i realized what a relief that is.  i can’t understand everything that God does, so it’s a really good thing that my own understanding isn’t what i’m depending on.

this pastor’s daughter is in the middle of miscarrying her second baby this year. the first one died about a month and a half before her due date.  he nearly started crying a couple of times, and i nearly started crying a couple of times.  i kept nearly crying a couple of other times during the day, and i’m realizing what it feels like to be so sad over something and still feel all this joy in your heart.

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one of my good friends turned seventeen today.  i talked with her about it a little bit last night and she said something like “only 365 days until i’m 18!”.  i am doing a lot better lately about being okay with growing up and being kind of excited about it, but there is still a lot of me that wants to trade with her.  but i wouldn’t want to lose this year.  still, i guess i don’t want to lose this year.

95 days until i’m 18.

olafur arnalds is making me want to cry, in a good way.